Editor’s note: In response to comments and feedback, the fifth point below has been edited by the author since the original posting.
If you are single, between the ages of 18-30, there are 2 nagging questions that live side by side deep in your mind; who will I marry, and when will it happen? As I write this, I understand the complexities of this subject, and I’m not presenting a one-size-fits-all scenario. Love and marriage are nuanced, delicate, even mysterious things, so please don’t misunderstand what I’m about to say. I’ll make this brief; I believe it is better to marry young. I’ve always thought this, but as I grow older, the reasons have crystallized. Here are 7 reasons that I think this way:
1. Statistics are in Your Favor
The online edition of the National Review published an article recently, titled “Time for Fresh Thinking on Early Marriage.” In it the authors Alan Hawkins & Betsy Vandenberghe site some interesting sources. According to the National Marriage Project, “The age at which men and women marry is now at historic heights—27 for women, and 29 for men—and is still climbing.” Yet the only demographic benefiting from this are highly educated college graduates. Busy as they are laying the foundation for their careers, marriage is delayed while they get 4 out of their 5 ducks in order: degree, career, finances, home. Only then will they add the 5th, marriage. This formula does work, but not for everyone. What about the other 2/3rds of young adults, who don’t attain a university or college degree? Society is busy talking to all young people as if everyone goes to college. Most do not. Quietly, while society and sociologists are looking the other way, many young adults are getting married. Gasp! They are the “young married” or “counter-cultural married”, and guess what? Their marriages are working. The article goes on to say, “Obviously, teenage marriage — about 20 percent of all first marriages, according to our analyses — poses a high risk of divorce. But once couples get into the 20s, the risk of divorce declines steadily (and then starts to go back up again in the 30s).” Their conclusion, from the data, was that the “sweet spot” of happiness and success for marriage was “between 22 and 25” years old. That’s the perfect window in my opinion.
2. You Get to Grow up Together
When you marry in your early or mid 20’s you are more adaptable than when you are older. Adult habits, good or bad, are usually formed during this time. Discovering new likes dislikes in the big new world is an adventure. The ability to adapt, as two worlds collide into one is so very important. The longer you wait, the larger the collision! It is a wonderful thing to experience all the firsts of adulthood with your greatest earthly love. I don’t think people fall in love, but rather grow in love. So why not start early? One thing every couple learns is that love is not just candlelight and soft music. Love is built upon a long and continual accumulation of the little things in life. Hard times and happy times, experienced together. First apartment, first car loan, first grocery shop, first flat tire, first New Year, first birthday away from our childhood home. It’s so much better when you face job searches, job losses, family deaths, family conflict, financial fears, and career concerns with a spouse. My wife and I were 19 and 24 respectively when we married, and as middle-aged adults, our experience in this world has been the same, both in joy and in sorrow. I love that we grew up together, and now we are growing old together. We’ve been together now longer than we were apart, with many more years to come, the Lord willing.
3. It Places Love and Family Before Career
“Degree, career, bank account, mortgage”. This is the mantra of 21st Century western society. “Make sure these things are in order before you get married.” Whoever came up with the idea that, until we’ve achieved a certain measure of stability and economic success, we shouldn’t get married, was probably single. It seems to make sense at first blush, but think about this fact, the most secular countries in the world (and the most financially successful), also have the highest divorce rates. In Europe, 2/3 people get divorced. Belgium has a whopping 70% divorce rate. We’re only a little better in North America at 52%. Yet in places like Chile, Columbia, South Africa, Brazil, the divorce rate averages 7.3%. Go figure. Countries with far less social and economic benefits have far less divorce. Whatever we may attribute this to, one thing is for certain, a good economic foundation is not the key to happiness.
Early marriage, as I see things, strikes the right note. It places the emphasis on the two things that will outlast our education, finances, and homes…love and family. The family is the key building-block to any stable society; not a 3 door garage, a hot tub, and world travel. I’m not suggesting that there is no forethought or planning that goes into marriage. Far from it. Counsel from a good Christian financial advisor, a solid budget, and living within your means, is very important. But please don’t think that until you have everything society is telling you you need, before you can get married. It’s not true.
4. It Creates an “us-identity”
When the Lord gave Eve to Adam, He said, “The two shall become one flesh”. I’ve already suggested that bringing two lives together in their 20’s is easier than their 30’s. It seems to softly mold an “us-identity” instead of trying to reshape a harder “me-identity”. In Genesis, the Lord did not leave Adam alone for long. Early on He said, “It is not good that man should be alone.” Soon after Adam’s creation, the Lord gave him a wife. He did not give Adam a lot of alone time to become self-focused (not that he would have before the fall, but you get my drift). What I’m trying to say is practically speaking, the longer “me” lives alone, the harder “us” becomes. In the “me” stage, we become so used to our own routine that we look for a spouse like we look for an accent lamp; something that perfectly coordinates my wallpaper, carpet, furniture, and drapes. In early marriage two softer “me’s” become one strengthened “us”. It’s beautiful.
5. It Increases the Odds of Children
Many times as a pastor, I’ve had to counsel couples who have been married for 5 or ten years, who can’t conceive. It is a very sad experience. Two people who love each other, who want children, but are not able now, when they might have been 10 years before. I don’t tell them this, obviously, but it is something I can say here. Now, let me be clear, sometimes this is no fault of their own. Some fertility problems are present genetically from birth, and there is nothing that can be done about it. Here is where adoption (for this reason and others), can be a wonderful thing, and a great testimony of the believer’s adoption of God by the finished work of Christ. My heart goes out to all those in just this situation. However, and this is a big however, some couples put off children so that they can concentrate more on their mortgage, careers, personal lifestyles, and hobbies. This is a sin, plain and simple. While procreation is not the only reason for marriage (companionship is the first thing mentioned in Genesis), it is a primary reason. At what age do you think a woman is most fertile? You guessed it, women are most fertile between the ages of 20 and 24 (Reproductive Aging, by Susan Bewley, William Ledger, Dimitrios Nikolaou). What if it will take you 5 or 10 years to get pregnant? Not everyone is equally fertile. Don’t be afraid to begin trying to have children as soon as you get married.
6. It Curbs the 1 Corinthians 7:9 Problem
Why was it not good for Adam to be alone? Was it an emotional need? Sure. A spiritual need? Perhaps on some level. But maybe, just maybe it was not good for Adam because he was a sexual being. Every other creature had a mate. They could all reproduce, except for Adam. Was he longing for emotional, spiritual, and sexual companionship? I think he was (sinlessly so). There was a longing in Adam that that could not be met apart from Eve. So God gave Adam a beautiful bride, early on, to be his lover, friend, and soul-mate. Since the fall, the desire has not gone away. Sadly, we have added to that pure desire, a sinful element that turns the desire for sex into unbridled lust. Early marriage curbs this in young adults. Paul writes of both males and females when he says in 1 Cor 7:9 “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.” In a rampant sexually charges society, early marriage will help fight against the many temptations of single life as an adult. I’ll leave it there.
7. It Honors God’s Creation Ordinance
We need to stop taking our cue from the world. Here I speak to parents also. We have been guilty of conforming to the world’s standards of marriage. The first gift God gave Adam was Eve, and the two of them, He gave each other in marriage. It was done early in creation, in history, not just for sexual and emotional reasons, but because from the very beginning, He wanted to display the love He has within His Triune Self. The perfect union between separate persons, with God, husband, and wife, making up a “threefold cord not quickly broken” (Eccl. 4:12). Most of all, it was the first picture in all the Bible of Christ and the Church. Ephesians 5:31 is a quotation of Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Then Paul adds in verse 32: “This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.” An early marriage, especially among believers, is a testimony of Christ’s love toward His people. What an image.
Conclusion
In saying all these things, I am keenly aware of many men and women who want nothing more than to marry. Yet the Lord has not provided for this desire. While I feel for them, I’m not speaking to them. I’m speaking to those who have been told, “you shouldn’t marry until…” If marriage is a creation ordinance, and I believe it is, and if we are old enough to take part in it, I believe we should. Whatever weaknesses we see within ourselves, and whatever fears we may have from deviating from social norms, let us plead for the Spirit’s help.
I want to be clear before we part ways: while marrying young can bring all the benefits outlined above, I’m not saying that getting married young always works. Nor am I saying that if you’re young and single, you need to quickly start looking for someone to marry! Like most things in life, this issue is complicated. The most important factor in a happy marriage is not age, but choosing the right person in the Lord (1 Cor. 7:39). The research above deals with statistical generalizations, and there are plenty of outliers that contradict it.
But once you’ve found the woman or man you can’t live without, and you have sought Godly counsel, you should absolutely feel confident in deciding to take on the rest of your lives side-by-side, and embark together on one of life’s greatest adventures, pleading for the Lord’s blessing.
Totally agree – we hope our youth will take notice! There are too many single “twenties” in our churches.
It’s unfortunate to learn that most comments posted to the website have been censored and not posted
Good to see you decided to post – not sure why you deleted everything from Facebook?? Likely best you remove this post from the website also
As one of the “single twenties” in our church community, I would like to express how much this article hurts me. It is not my choice to be single, this is just the way God has directed my life. In order to get married, God has to direct the right person into my life, and that has not yet happened for me. This is something that is not easy for me, and this comment indicates that my singleness is due to something wrong with me, not that my singleness is God’s plan for my life. That is not the way I would hope a pastor or another leader in our churches would speak or teach their youth to think. I am very personally offended by this. It is important to acknowledge that those who are single and are living in Christ are also living according to God’s plan for their lives
I’m sorry, I would like to clarify that my comment is directed at the comment above about “single twenties”, not towards the article as a whole.
Commenting as a non-married person…
Within my own congregation I know of several singles (mostly women) who would love to be married, but God has not provided a spouse for them. In fact, this is the case with most Christian singles I know. Now, obviously my circle of friends is not representative of the entire population of Christian singles, and I know you addressed these kind of people in your article. However, it seems unhelpful to give Christian singles this advice, when many of us would like to be married.
I see this kind of advice constantly. What I do not see is advice on how to GET a spouse in the first place.
Der N,
You raise a valid point. I have often asked myself the very same question as I have children in their early 20’s who are in the exact same situation. I guess my article was more of an encouragement to those who might be thinking they need to postpone marring their BF/GF until some other things are in order. As I said at the beginning and end, this is not a one size fits all. But it does fit for some. You are exactly right, this article is unhelpful for those who want to marry, but can’t find that special someone. If I have any thoughts on how to address this, I will write something on it.
Blessings,
Pastor Lewis
I do not understand how it is a sin for a couple to make sure they are financially stable in terms of mortgage and being secure in their career before having children. Children are a large financial responsibility, especially with the looming cost of Christian school education. “Couples put off children so that they can concentrate more on their mortgage, careers, personal lifestyles, and hobbies. This is a sin, plain and simple.” I caution the author to rely on Biblical evidence rather than personal opinion.
I do not understand how it is a sin for a couple to make sure they are financially stable in terms of mortgage and being secure in their career before having children. Children are large financial responsibilities , especially with the looming cost of Christian school education. I caution the author to rely on Biblical evidence rather than personal opinion.
One of the reasons my husband and I got married is outlined in this article, and I agree with the point given about 1 Cor 7:9. Getting married young was the right decision for us, and we are glad we did it. However, I am having a hard time agreeing with the fact that it is now a sin for us to not be “tossing our birth control in the garbage” and actively trying to have children. It seems financially irresponsible to bring a child into this world in our current situation. We are doing well for the two of us living in a one bedroom apartment, but upgrading at this time would put a lot of stress on us. While we both are very excited to have children, we know that right now is not the best time for us. I don’t believe that it should be said that it is a sin to be waiting to have children. 1 Timothy 5:8 says “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” This verse is talking about widowed and elderly parents, but also refers to our own families. If I cannot properly support a child right now, I can’t agree that we are sinning by waiting until we are more financially stable. Some statements in this article feel insensitive to certain people’s situations, and many blanket statements are made. I also do not believe strong biblical evidence has been given for the fact that my husband and I are sinning by what we are currently doing.
I would have been very surprised if there was not some critique of the article (As there should be). Thanks to each of you for your thoughts, and taking the time to read it, and respond. It’s always good to have our own ideas challenged. It helps us grow.
This article was not a fiat about contraception. I did not write an article on birth control. It was one line in a section drawing attention to a fertility window. Ultimately my opinion doesn’t matter. I believe it to be correct, but you don’t have to agree. Nor do I have to agree with you. A meaningful exchange of ideas is a wonderful thing. 🙂 Iron sharpens iron.
I would, however, suggest reading the extant literature on the history of family planning, especially where it came from and what drives it. Read also how it has entered the Church of Christ. Perhaps you already have. Please keep in mind my original point: you can’t plan fertility. I’ve witnessed people who “family planned” in their early married life, and when they decided to “try”, it took them 10-13 years to conceive. That brought them close to 40 years old if not over in some cases. Some never could conceive at all. The sorrow it caused was immense.
Yes, I suggest that birth control is sinful when it emanates from self-interest. Ultimately that’s between the couple and the Lord, not me or anyone else. But somewhere along the line, we have adopted this world’s philosophy that compartmentalizes the idea of the family along secular lines of thinking, which is almost always reduced to an economic question. I think that’s bollix. The need to provide for our children is not a 21st Century problem. It’s as old as the human race. Jesus’ mother and stepfather were both young and poor, yet God still gave our Lord to them. We have every reason to believe He grew up poor, as did His siblings. Most of the world back then did. A lack of education, career, or money is not our problem. In Bangladesh or Hati, it is! We live in the richest society in human history and are in the top 1.5% of the world’s earned income. We don’t lack resources to raise a little one in North America, even in the poorest of our neighborhoods. And my wife and I speak from personal experience. We were far worse off than most when we had our first child. I worked in a lumber mill in Vancouver, we lived in a basement suite with no windows. We lived hand-to-mouth for what seemed like forever. People thought we were crazy that we kept having children in the Lower Mainland of BC. High rent, huge taxes, RENTING, old and broken down vehicles. And oh, the groceries! On and on it went. Yet each child we were given, from 1-10, the Lord marvelously provided in every respect along the way. Family members on both sides, to this day, marvel constantly at how the Lord provided as we tried to live according to His ways. I suggest it is a lack of trust, that God knows best when to give us our children, the number of them, as well as provision to raise them. Psalm 37:25, “I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.” Amen to David.
Our generation might be very surprised to read what our Puritan and Reformed forbearers thought about children, when to have them, and how many. I’m quite certain that if John Calvin lived today, he’d “trigger” a lot of people by his views. I encourage you to read Voddie Baucham’s sermon here, https://media-cloud.sermonaudio.com/text/5209234630.pdf. Especially the section on having children. You may also like the book, “Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies”, by Candice ans Steve Watters.
Lastly, the point I was making regarding adoption (and I was adopted!), was written in the context of infertility, not adoption as a whole. The fact that I did not list every reason for the benefit of adoption should be obvious by the title of the article. There are many, many good reasons to adopt! Infertility just happens to be one of many.
Thanks again for the interaction.
Blessings,
Although I do agree that Iron Sharpens Iron, I feel that in you using that argument you are making an excuse for a comment that is both unbiblical and hurtful. Being hurtful helps no situation. It was a cruel, mean and hurtful way of getting an “opinion” across.(I am referring to your comment where you call people sinners for not thinking the same way that you do on birth control. Also, you are basically telling those who waited a little to have children and now can’t that God is somehow punishing them). Whatever our intentions and opinions are, they are NEVER allowed to be unnecessarily hurtful and mean to people, especially when they are an opinion and not biblically based. That is Never a justifiable means of getting a discussion started. So please don’t try and justify statements you made by saying it is good to get a discussion started. In my “Opinion” an apology for a false, unbiblical and hurtful Statement should be your response. We can all try and justify our actions, but it doesn’t make them right.
I am also rather disappointed that some previous comments are now excluded from your comment section. If you, so called, are looking for Iron to sharpen Iron, then why erase certain comments? They were not mean and hurtful like yours, but since they differ from you they don’t get to be posted? In fact they have more Bible references than you, on that certain subject, and they are not calling people sinners for having a different “Opinion” than them. That is what you did. You called people Sinners for a difference of opinion. That is very disturbing and incredibly arrogant, to think you are right and a difference of opinion is a sin.
I do agree with a previous person who you have since erased. Stating that if you are trying to chase away our youth from the FRC, you are doing a good job. Quite frankly, I also have no interest in belonging to a denomination that calls people sinners when the Bible does not.
I hope I have not been too hurtful myself. I feel it necessary to be blunt, as there were a couple disturbing comments in your report.
As a side comment, your essay is also very unpractical. I am very much in favour of getting married early and young, if you have found the correct spouse. However, you often can’t have both, early marriage and have children right away. From a practical point, you can have one or the other, but not both. As husbands we are to supply the financial needs of our families and communities. It is a rarity where we can do that by getting married young and having children immediately. However, that is my opinion and I hope I would never call someone a sinner who thinks differently than my opinion.
Once again, an apology would go long a way in getting our young people respecting you and getting them to come back to this web site. Justifying bad behaviour, likely never will.
Editor’s note: The Facebook post relating to this article was removed by the Plants & Pillars editorial team, and not by Rev. Lewis, who is the author of this one article. It was done without his knowledge, and he took it upon himself to repost his original response from Facebook, here. So he in no way is discouraging discussion, or deleting comments. As Plants & Pillars, we will address, (in the near future), why we removed that Facebook post, but no part of that blame belongs to Rev. Lewis. We apologize for that confusion.
The editor has posted – and the editor should remove also from the website
A few things to add.
1. We are all sinners
2. Respect your elders
3. This was just Pastor Lewis’ opinion on why it’s good to be married young, and he mentioned a few times you did not have to agree.
4. We all have different views on certain subjects and we all think we are right
5. I do not think an apology is necessary from Pastor Lewis because ( and I will say it again) it was simply an opinion. Just like you have yours. Getting the “young people back” by Pastor Lewis saying “i’m sorry for having my own opinion” seems a little silly to me. Since we are one for being blunt I will also partake, if they don’t like it, they can lump it.
6. I personally found this reply/comment to Pastor Lewis very rude, but that’s just my opinion and dare I say I have one. You do not speak for all the young people, I as being one.
7. We are all sinners
8. Thank you.
Awesome article, spot on. For those who don’t agree and have had their feelings hurt, man up and get over it. He offered an opinion, and if you don’t like it, don’t like it, but asking for an apology is ridiculous. Sounds like someone didn’t get their participation trophy today. And if you are going to leave nasty comments for Pastor Lewis, at least have the guts to leave your name, so we know who you are.
Dave Elshout
Great article first off. I believe it’s a bit of a shock to our 21st century modern minds. That being said Id encourage people to think about the article rather than go immediately to the defensive. To the person asking Rev. Lewis to apologize, you obviously have commented out of frustration and maybe anger. Rev. Lewis explained that it was his opinion and that you didn’t have to agree with it. The only time where he’d have to apologize is if he sinned against you. He has not sinned what so ever. Your comment however was rude and disrespectful to Rev. Lewis and I would go as far as to say you owe him an apology for being rude. It’s easy to hide behind a computer and say disrespectful things you wouldn’t say in person. I’m not saying you don’t have an opinion, you absolutely do. You and I whoever you are, know your wording would be more respectful in person. Something to think about. I digress.
I am convinced that the youth who visit this page are not interested in opinions; rather they are looking for biblical answers. I have not been convinced by this article that the use of birth control is always sinful although I believe it can be.
However, I am convinced that rudeness and disrespect attack the image of God in a fellow image bearer and is ALWAYS sinful. This is not my opinion. See Matthew 5:22, Micah 6:8, Proverbs 12:18, 1 John 4:8, 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, 2 Kings 2:22-24, Proverbs 15:1, Romans 2:24.
I definitely agree that getting married young if possible is a good thing. My husband and I got married and decided to spend some time together as husband and wife before quickly adding children to the mix. This time has been spent getting to know each other more deeply and being able to do things that we would not necessarily be able to do if we had children right away.
I believe being more financially stable (though who is ever totally ready to pay for everything that comes with having children) is acting stewardly and responsible as we are called to be. We are never called to live outside of our means and for some having children right after getting married would be. I believe God will provide and I believe he calls us to be responsible.
I will always encourage young people that if they are able to get married as soon as they can! But I won’t encourage them to have babies as soon as possible. Enjoy being married just the two of you for a bit. You will never be young, newly married and without kids ever again.
Editor’s note: We ask that you please do not write against or attack a person or people in your comments. Interacting with an idea or point is good. Before submitting your comment, please read it over to ensure it’s not directed at a person. Thank-you!
This article, has points that you need to personally and carefully consider, is a nice “blanket article”. You made yourself clear that this article was not a one-size-fits-all which was good to note with subjects like this.
My husband got married at 27 and I was 22. Point 2 and 4 really made sense in my mind. My husband definitely had a harder time than me going from “I” to “we” because of his age (and thus his lifestyle). I would not say that it was harder getting used to the married life for both of us than it would have been if we had both been in our early 20s, but it did come with different experiences, hard ones, that we had to work through.
I am also glad you put “point 3” in there. In today’s society we are convinced that we need this and this and this in our hands before we can afford a marriage and then children. Simple not true. It is amazing what you can do without when you do not have the funds for it. I believe, that because it is commanded of us to get married (not be common law) and have children if able, and it is not commanded of us to go out for dinner or dates or so on – that we should not think that we can’t afford children – because we probably can if we are willing to sacrifice earthly pleasures. I agree with the pastor that it is a sin to put off having children or getting married for certain lifestyle reasons because you are then being selfish – which is a sin. I feel that especially we as women, are now pushed to go to school to have a career, and to become something and contribute to society in some way, which makes it harder to realize that being a wife and mother IS SOMETHING TOO.
The last paragraph is an encouraging ending. It is a reminder that you need the Lord’s blessing before you marry. All of these points in the article are interesting/helpful but none of those matter if you are not following the Lord’s calling for you. 🙂
I would love to see a follow up article on people’s comments 🙂
Would love to see a follow up article on the comments made!