Ask a Pastor: What Do I Do If I Find It Difficult to Forgive Someone?
- Re. Jan Neels
- 5 days ago
- 2 min read
Question
What do I do if I find it difficult to forgive someone who has continually hurt me and my loved ones?
Answer
This is a common problem mainly because many people do not really know what it means to forgive someone for their wrongdoings. When you say to that person, “I forgive you,” what does that mean? If we think of God’s forgiving our sins and what that means it will help us to deal with those who have hurt us. When God forgives sins, He takes away our burden of guilt and removes it by placing it on His Son. God will never bring up that sin against us: it is gone! The Apostle Paul writes to people who find it difficult to forgive others, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). So just like God forgive us, we are to forgive others. That means we will never bring up their wrongdoing again. We will never use it against them. If we think of the amazing grace of God’s forgiveness in Christ, then it will be easy to forgive others who have wronged us. Nothing they can do to us can be as bad as the way we have offended against Holy God.
There are a few cautions attached here:
The main thing is by God’s grace to have a forgiving spirit. That means if the ones who have offended you come to you confessing their wrongdoing, and asking for your forgiveness, you are ready to grant them that forgiveness. Then you can speak the words that already live in your heart: “I forgive you. I will not hold this against you, nor bring it up to you, or anyone else.”
Even though you may have a forgiving spirit, that does mean you will be able to speak those words. Unless the person shows remorse and asks for your forgiveness it will not be wise or proper to say to him, “I forgive you.” That could send the message that all is well, and that he can continue to live in sin and hurt you and yours without any consequences.
Sometimes we are reluctant to forgive because we are hurting so badly, and we really want to get some revenge. Then we need to confess our unforgiving spirit. We also need to remember what our Lord says in Romans 12:19 “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord.”